It’s a holiday and I’m at work. In fact, it’s all about work this weekend and I’m sick of it. Yes, I have burnt out.
I read a girl’s blog today, and her thoughts hit so close to home. Reading her blog, is like reading my own thoughts, and it kinda made me feel…melancholic. I don’t verbalise my thoughts often, so a lot of people have their own perception of me based on how I behave. Even the songs and the snippets of movies she posts on her blog, I can appreciate them. I stopped reading her blog after I started feeling crazily sad.
Met up with MZ and BJ for lunch today. BJ has achieved her life goal, congratulations. 🙂 I’m very happy and excited for her, yet feeling a sense of sadness for myself. When we were young, BJ’s goal in life is always to be a housewife and she’s already achieved it. I don’t remember verbalising my goals, but I’m pretty sure everybody (including myself) just assumed that I’ll concentrate on my career. For MZ, she’s pretty sure her goal in life is career and money. She seemed pretty scared about getting married.
Frankly speaking, I don’t know what I want to do. I have made my goals a housing purchase and a MINI COOPER purchase, and am now working towards that. But it feels empty, you know? Cos it’s not something I really want to be doing. I’m ok as long as I have enough to do the things that keep me happy, and I don’t need much to be happy, just simply enough food (which is expensive), a roof over my head, nice clothes to wear, hanging out with my favorite people and seeing that my family is safe and healthy. I want to go travelling though, but I want to do it with my favorite person.
Recently a friend asked me to go Tioman with him. This request just threw me into depression. For me, I want to travel with my most favorite person, take in the sights, create memories, and then relive the memories together. So the act of travelling with another person is something very sacred to me, as opposed to travelling in a group. This friend, does not want to commit and yet demands shitloads of my time and wants to go travelling together. Granted, he’s like almost perfect except for the commitment part. We can talk about everything, he knows all my favorite things, have the answers to all my questions, want to hang out with me all the time. Yet lacking the most important part, commitment. I knew from the start it was not meant to be, but you know, girls like to hope. I hate being a girl, would much rather be a guy, but that’s for another blogpost for another day. I’ve since stopped hanging out with him, but that’s because I’m working 15 hour work days, which isn’t a healthy use of my time, really.
Recently, a lot of people have been trying to get me attached. Pris wants to introduce somebody to me, people in the office are creating scandals, my Projects Director even blatantly start talking about the eligibility of business partners right in front of our clients (my client had to tell him to not pimp me out. Haha). The truth is, I’m scared shitless about all these relationship things.
I see couples where the men cheat, couples where they don’t really love each other but are together out of habit/convenience, men who can and will pick up any girl they meet, men who grow bored of their wives/girlfriends, men who refuse to settle down and yet want to hang out every single day and yes, men who only want to bed as many girls as they can (the worst of the lot!). I don’t want to be part of the couple where the man cheats, or are together out of habit, or have to keep myself interesting just to maintain the man’s interest, or be stuck with the almost perfect man (if he is not a commitment-phobe, he’ll be perfect, I guess) who does not want to settle down.
I’m sick of being the girl that guys ask out, talk to or try and pick up cos I just happen to be there/too free/the only girl they know/they think they’re God’s gift to me/whatever other shit reason. I’m also sick of everybody trying to pimp me out. If it’s gonna happen, it’ll happen. I don’t mind more new friends, though. Just without the “Oh, so-and-so is introducing me to this girl who needs a bf” thought in their minds when we first meet. Sickening.
I just simply want to like my most favorite person for who he is (I have no problems doing this at all, I don’t judge people much), and that he can like me enough for who I am to want to spend the rest of our lives together, and not ask me things like eh, why you drink from the bottle without the straw? Eh, why you squat like an ah beng (Ok, I didn’t know I squat like an ah beng until the company trip, so some things you gotta ask to wake me up to reality)? You get the point. I just want to be liked for what I am. If I can do it, so can some guy out there.
Another tough part of life is, when someone likes you and you just don’t like them back. Haha. Tough.
Angsty post, yes. I’m just sick of work, and then life in general.