So I broke up with Marvin during the weekend.
What Triggered It?
On Friday night, he came home from work and gamed into the night. The table lamp, and keyboard tapping kept me up. I told him, “Hey, I’m trying to sleep here, can you like off the lamp or block it so it’s not shining on me?”. He said, Don’t worry, I’ll be done soon. So I tried to sleep, but couldn’t. As I lay there, completely awake, thoughts ran through my mind.
I had my wisdom teeth operation last December, and when he came over, he wouldn’t let me sleep at night too. He wanted to talk. I thought it would be perfectly alright to talk when I’m awake, considering that I need the rest to heal and recuperate. But no, he wouldn’t let me sleep, and I refused to talk. I cried. I cried till I choked, and no, there were no hugs from him, saying “Hush, go to sleep, we’ll talk tomorrow, ok?”. No affection. At all. He just wanted to talk, and told me that I am only thinking of myself if I want to sleep and not talk about his issues.
And so drawing from that experience and as I lay there awake, I thought, what if we had gotten married, and I had just given birth to a child? Will I not be allowed to rest as well? If the answer is yes, it’s going to be an extremely sad life. I decided then and there, that no, I don’t want a life like this. When morning came, I stirred and he woke up, whining that he just got to bed and that I should let him sleep. I looked at him and said, I didn’t sleep a wink last night. You said you’d be done soon, but no, you slept in the morning. I asked him, so you come here, and you game, and then you sleep and you go work the next day. What is the difference between you gaming at home and gaming at my place? For the past month (or maybe couple of months), when he arrived at my place he’ll just plonk himself in front of the computer and game. Sometimes I bring him his dinner and then clear his plate. He doesn’t even ask, “How does your chin feel today?” before proceeding to become a 废人 in front of the PC.
I dunno man, I seriously think my requirements in this relationship is damn low? I don’t mind if he doesn’t ask me how’s my day, how’s my chin and all that, but I really think that at the minimum, unwell/sick people should be allowed to rest.
There was one time in school, when I cried over a project grade. People who know me will know I don’t care for grades. But what happened was, was that I got a lousy grade. I went to see the lecturer and he was unable to justify how he arrived at that grade. There were a bunch of other students waiting to see him while I was there too. Anyway, there should have been a grading guideline for that project, because it would have just been a checklist of functionalities that you either have or don’t have. But no, he was unable to produce anything like this. So why did I cry? Already hating the school culture for the people in it, I felt like it was the end of my world if I am unable to score based on my abilities. I mean, if they’re just gonna give you randomly generated grades, what are the chances of me getting the grade I deserve? The world felt so 黑暗 at that moment that I cried in school. And then instead of comforting me, Marvin scolded me for crying. O_o His take on this is that other people will perceive that he made me cry, and he doesn’t want that. Like wtf. His friend, who was there, was appalled at what Marvin said. And I’m sure that if I’m not his friend’s gf, he would have comforted me. From that day onwards, I accept that I cannot receive emotional comfort from this guy. I can live with it.
The Whole Fucking Problem
When we got together, I had no romantic feelings for this person at all, but he was generally nice and sweet to me and we are (still are!) such great companions that we can talk about anything under the sun, and enjoy movies and games together. But no, he doesn’t make my heart skip a beat, doesn’t make me want to kiss him till his lips are sore… I tried to love him and tried to make it work. Whenever things start to go a little wrong, I’ll bring it up and we’ll talk about it and try to solve it. School has always been hectic for me cos everybody just plainly does not have initiative, but I tried to continue gaming. There was one point in time when I stopped for a while, and I found our conversations waning. I couldn’t understand what he was talking about and couldn’t participate in the conversation. I made myself continue gaming just to keep it going.
Things are immaterial to me. I’m not touched when he bought all those stuff like Nintendo DS Lite, my shiny pink handphone, my hip hop happening maroon shoes. I like these items cos I simply like them, but buying me things doesn’t touch my heart. Same as running me through dungeons in World of Warcraft. I like morning kisses, good night kisses, hugs when I’m feeling down, someone to sayang my head. But he’s not a particularly touchy feely person, so there wasn’t much of it, and my heart was never touched completely by him.
I felt guilty most of the time in the relationship. I felt that I was wasting his time and efforts as I was unable to bring myself to love him. I admit that it’s my fault for being so busy with school, that I couldn’t manage the relationship properly. But he didn’t complain either? And was completely happy being a gamer with the bf/gf tag. I dunno man, I think if it was any other guy, he’ll prolly tell me to suckit. 😡 So on the whole, I was really really hoping that he dumped me. But he didn’t.
I’m really sorry I wasted his time and efforts. I do, seriously. 🙁 I dunno what else I can do to make up to him other than let him murder me, but no can do. And then, I had to speak to him harshly on the phone after the breakup just to kill all his hopes. >.< He kept calling with propositions on making it work again. If I respond and participate in the discussion, doesn't it mean I'm open to make it work? And I'm not interested in making it work! :/ Other things
Ever since Pork, I never blogged about my love life. That was because he repeatedly told me that he didn’t like dirty laundry being washed in public, and I respect that, even though a blog is supposed to be an outlet for my thoughts. But ya, so I’ve never really blogged about Marvin until today. So why did I write this entry? I don’t know man. I just woke from a nap and it seemed appropriate.